Acknowledgement of the Grey

I used to torment you for the lies you spilled. I used to believe it was one or the other: tell the truth or lie; show respect or don’t; honor love or disobey trust; be an honest boyfriend or don’t be my boyfriend at all; choose the black or choose the white. But you see, I have to admit, I’ve been dishonest myself.

And in so doing, I’ve come to terms with what you’ve always wanted from me: acknowledgement of the grey. I realize now this is what’s most important.

I used to torment you for not keeping your word. Just the little ones – the subtle things that meant so little to you and so much to me. “Let’s Skype tomorrow.” “I’ll call you when I get home.” It was never the thing promised, just the fact that I was in a long distance relationship with someone asking me to take his word on the lot without giving me the little. You were deemed not dependable, uncaring, and once again, a liar. But you see, I have to admit, I’ve done the opposite. I’ve given you the little but failed you with the lot.

And in so doing, I recognized myself for the first time in a long time. I was searching for something and I found it. They say be careful of what you wish for… well, I wished for me and I got my older, darker, hidden shades: fickle and selfish. More importantly, by acting like my true self I actually experienced the same temptations that motivated others to hurt me to the point of losing sight of myself. So now I appropriately expect better, not because of how someone else’s mistake made me feel, but because of how my mistake made me feel. I looked ugly in the eye, softened around its shaded borders, and accepted its presence within me. I realize now that I have established morality for the right reason. And for that, I have become more beautiful.

You see, sometimes I get an urge to cause problems. Sometimes I get so exhausted that I ignore the signs of larger problems. Sometimes I get so afraid that I make up problems that’ll only ever live in my mind.

I find myself here, announcing these shades and conveying my greys. Maybe society says this makes me a hypocrite – what a loaded label to put on someone you love. Sometimes, you see, I need ask for a little patience.


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