Hoping For a Second Chance, One Day

I get it. I screwed up big time. I did something that may be beyond recovery. I ruined the best thing that ever happened to me. I held your hand as you shared your biggest insecurities and when you were finished, I wiped away your tears and threw it all back in your face.

I hurt you deeper than the dummy who broke your heart. And so what does that make me? Something terrible, I know. But I’m going to ask something huge of you. I know it’s unfair, but I have a request. And I want to say that it’s my last request ever, but it’s not…. which is kinda the point.

You see, one day I may request that you trust me and buy the too-expensive hand carved dining table (and chairs). Because it really completes our new apartment. One day I may request you to get up at 2am and take our little puppy out. There’s another request. One day I may request that you put a ring on my finger, make me the luckiest girl in the world for the rest of my eternity.

Bottom line, I don’t know what our future holds but apart from this huge mistake I’ve made, I have no plans that don’t include you. Therefore, in all honesty, there are infinite more requests that I plan on asking of you throughout our time together. But the biggest most crucial request of them all is that you give me the chance to ask them… eventually. One day.

One day, give me the chance to prove to you the depth of my desire. Give me a chance to prove that I understand the severity of what I did and have taken ownership over it. I ask this not because it’s fair. Not because you need me. Not because I deserve you. I don’t — you’re infinitely better than I am. I ask you to give me this chance because and only because I know that I love you and I know that you love me. For a long time I didn’t believe in love and I didn’t believe it could ever end happily. You changed my mind and not on purpose.

It wasn’t your undying love and trust that gave my heart permission to be vulnerable. It was when you told me to pack my bags and said we couldn’t be together. Not because I felt empty or hollow without you, but because I felt hopeful for the first time. I felt hopeful because I believe in our love. I felt hopeful because after 5 therapy sessions in 5 days, I finally understand some things about betrayal. Betrayal just means that the one guy has issues and really screwed up in his attempt to fix them. That’s it. It’s about that guy, not me. It’s about that guy, not you. Moreover, after 5 therapy sessions in 5 days, I finally understand that there are good men out there. Ones that will never cheat. And whether or not you are one of them, no hovering or fearing or insecurity on my behalf will change it. All I can do is detach myself and the rest of mankind from a few assholes’ mistakes, and trust the man that’s only ever given me reason to. So…. for the first time, I’m hopeful.

I know my timing is slightly off. What about me isn’t? The moment I decide to trust is the moment the most loyal man decides to stop begging for my trust. It’s backwards, but that’s me. That’s what this all really comes down to: unconditionality. So you don’t need to be with me if you don’t want to, and I won’t blame you if that’s what you decide. I’m not begging. This is not a plea letter. But if, one day, you decide that you still want to love me through that mistake and the baggage that caused it, then I will spend the rest of my time with you not only proving how unconditional my love is for you, not only proving how loyal, admirable, attractive, and capable I know you are, but also how hopeful I am to finally be able to release this baggage and love you the way you deserve.

And you may not believe it to be possible, but that’s exactly why I’m requesting a chance to prove it. One day.

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